


Okay

by Nochi



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, F/M, First Time, PTSD, Past Sexual Abuse, ray route spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 16:03:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13744440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nochi/pseuds/Nochi
Summary: It was just one thing, but he wanted to take it back.(very definitely read author's note for content warnings)





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> CONTENT WARNINGS: This work assumes that rape and sexual abuse were part of Rika's brainwashing regimen. It deals with PTSD triggers specifically related to said rape and sexual abuse. It deals with a rape survivor's first consensual sexual experience, hence the "first time" tag. The rape is not explicit, but the consensual sex is.

"Are you sure?" She stared at him, realizing a half-second too late that she'd spoken too quickly, too sharply. Saeran's face was already flushed, and he wouldn't meet her eyes. She set her drink aside and took his hands instead. "Sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean to snap."

"You didn't," he said quietly. He looked at her hands instead of her. 

"I just want you to be sure it's what you want," she said softly, "and not something you think you need to do for me."

"You've been so patient with me," he murmured. "Too patient."

"Saeran." Her voice was firm, but not unkind, and he finally met her eyes. "This is important. I want you to be sure."

He nodded, too quickly. "I...I do want...it." He stumbled over the end of the sentence, flush crawling a little farther across his face. "But...I also want it...for you?" He released her hands to clap his own over his face. "This is a bad idea, I'm sorry."

"No, it's not." She moved to sit beside him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders. "It's definitely okay. And I'm not saying no." A quick kiss to his temple. These were the kinds of things he'd become comfortable with, the longer he was away from Mint Eye. Light touches. Gentle affection. Anything else seemed to trigger memories of Rika, and what she'd done to secure his loyalty while he was blacked out from the elixir she'd poured down his throat. He'd been seeing a counselor for quite some time, though what they'd talked about she didn't know. He didn't offer and she didn't ask. 

Thinking about what had been done to him started a fury in her heart, a fierce, protective flame. If this was what he wanted, if this was what he was ready for, she would do everything she could to keep him safe. 

"Just let me know when you're ready," she said quietly, leaning their heads together. 

"Is...is tonight okay?" His voice was very small from behind his hands. "I think...if I think about it too much..."

"I understand." Another kiss pressed into his hair. "Tonight is fine." 

"...thank you."

They went out to dinner that night, and when they returned home she led Saeran to their room, without turning on any of the lights. 

"Is this okay?" she asked, settling on the edge of the bed with him. 

"Yes," Saeran said, whispering in the dark. "We've done this before."

"I just want to make sure." She squeezed his hand where it was wrapped around hers. "It's a little different, right?"

"...yeah." He lifted her hand and cautiously pressed it to his chest. His heartbeat was double-quick, and she giggled a little, moving their hands to her own chest. He inhaled a little sharply as his fingers came to rest on her bare collarbone, but he relaxed with a smile at the feel of her heart thumping the same nervous rhythm. 

"Can I kiss you?" She asked, still holding his hand against her chest, and when he nodded, she leaned forward and captured his lips with hers. 

They had done this before, as he'd said, and her fingers on his shoulder were familiar, as was the feel of her hair under his fingers. But his other hand still rested against her chest, sliding across bare skin as they moved towards each other, and something warm and trembling crawled up his belly to rest near his heart. He shivered, and she broke the kiss. 

"Are you alright?" She had only leaned far enough away to see his face, and he nodded quickly.

"I'm fine." His voice was quiet, but she was close enough to hear it. "Just...a little nervous."

"That's fine," she assured him. "That's normal." Her grin flashed briefly in the dark. "I am too. But excited, too, y'know?"

He nodded again, smiling this time. "Me too." 

She kissed him again, edging closer to him, and laid her hand on his thigh. That was familiar, too, but his skin grew very warm under her hand, and the skin outside of it tingled like some kind of radiation effect. 

Heat started to coil in his chest, trickling down into his belly. Normally this was when he got flustered and stopped, and she'd always backed off. She'd always let him set the pace of everything.

He did break the kiss, leaning back and taking a deep breath through his nose. 

"Everything alright?" 

"I think," he said, looking at the ceiling. "That you're going to have to...take over. A little bit." 

He could see her tilt her head at him out of the corner of his eye.

"What do you mean, Saeran?" 

"I think...if you wait for me to move forward...I'm not going to." He closed his eyes. "I want this, I promise I do. I'm just...worried. And the worry is winning over the wanting." He frowned, looking over at her. "I don't want it to win this time." She smiled at him, not saying anything. "What?"

"Nothing," she replied, shaking her head. "I'm just proud of you. Is that weird to say, right now?" A brief, embarrassed-sounding giggle. He smiled, a little embarrassed himself at her praise.

"I'm just glad you're still here," he admitted. She took his hand, just holding it, folding their fingers together. 

"If this is still what you want," she said. "Then I will do as much as you're comfortable with. But we need an easy way for you to tell me to stop, even if you lock up and can't talk." 

He grimaced at the thought of that happening here, like this, with her, but admitted to himself that it was a definite possibility. 

"What about..." He reached up with his free hand and tapped her, very quickly, three times with two fingers. 

"Can you remember to do that?" Her eyes were very serious. He thought for a moment, and nodded. 

"I can remember." 

"Okay."

She had him do it again, just to make sure, and took his face in her hands and kissed him again. She very much took the lead this time, which surprised him for a moment, but he quickly found how to move with her and against her in ways that made her hum quietly against his lips. He was surprised at how much he liked that. He'd made her happy, he supposed, was the reaction he was having. 

Her hand found his thigh again, warm and steady through his pants, and then it crept a little higher, a bit at a time. He felt the warmth of it moving, and that warm shiver went through him again. 

Then the weight of her hand settled over the front of his pants, and he gasped into the kiss, his mouth open against hers. 

"Okay?" she whispered. He nodded, moving his fingers absently against the nape of her neck.

"Good," he mumbled, and rested his forehead against her shoulder. Her hand moved, just sightly, and a warm spark slid outwards from where she touched, melting into his skin and across his nerves.

"Can I take your pants off?" she asked, voice warm and quiet in his ear, and after a moment of contemplation (examination of his own thoughts, his wants, his boundaries - things he was still learning to listen to, to accept), he nodded, and she moved away from him, sliding onto the floor in front of him. 

"What are you - "

She paused, her hands on his waist. "Do you want me to stop?" He met her eyes; she wasn't teasing him, or being coy. She genuinely wanted to know if he wanted her to do this, or if he wanted to stop. 

"No," he whispered. "It's okay."

"Okay." She undid the front of his trousers, had him lift his hips as she pulled them away. Ran her hands across his newly-bared skin, stopping at the hem of his boxers, fingers resting just at the barrier of skin and cloth.

"I want this to be safe for you," she told him. "I want you to know that this is okay to want. But I also want you to _enjoy_ it. I don't want it to be...clinical, I guess." She looked up at him. "Is that okay? For me to do things for you? If you don't like anything, I'll stop right away and we can talk about it." 

She was looking up at him, kneeling on the floor in front of him, expression open and earnest. Her hair was done up, but a little messy now from where he'd had his fingers in it before. He reached forward now, tracing the line of her jaw with one hand, and she smiled, leaning into it. 

"I trust you," he whispered. Her grin was like the sun in the darkened room, and she leaned up to kiss him, hands sliding up his legs to rest on his waist. His hands settled on her back, pulling her closer against him, and she leaned back to rest her forehead against his. 

"Thank you," she murmured. "For trusting me. I love you."

"I love you too."

She settled back on her knees, smoothing her hands down the inside of his thighs. He leaned back as another shiver ran through him, resting on his elbows on the bed. Her hands found their way back up, over the fabric of his boxers, and pressed fingertips against his hardness. Lightning shot through him, centered in the pressure from her fingers, and he drew in a sharp little breath. 

"Okay?"

"Okay." 

Then her fingers pushed past the fabric, sliding against his skin, and he dropped his head back at the sensation. Like fire licking across his most sensitive skin, too much and not enough all at once. 

She drew him out of his underwear and wrapped her hand around him. She looked up at him, caught his eye where he'd looked back down at her. 

"Three taps," she reminded him. He nodded, and she took him into her mouth.

If her fingertips had produced lightning, her mouth was an inferno. Warm and slick all around him, pressure on every side and her tongue moving against the underside. He made a strangled sound of surprise, every muscle in his body going taut at the sudden assault on his nerves. She paused, but when he made no move to tap or stop her she moved her head farther down, lips sliding against his skin, and he did cry out then, reaching one hand down towards her. 

"Is it...can I..."

She looked up, mouth still wrapped around him, and he felt a sharp jolt low in his belly as she met his eyes. Then she saw his questing hand and pulled away, leaving him bereft for a moment. 

"It's okay if you touch me," she told him, and he rested his fingers in her hair. She smiled at him, and lowered her mouth back over him. 

She was slow, and careful, and still paused every so often to check on him. He had no intentions of stopping her, however; his fingers twitched and danced against her scalp but he never went for the three taps. He felt like he was burning from the inside but it was so sweet, and he wasn't afraid. She wouldn't let him burn up. He could be lost like this, it was fine, because she would bring him back.

Just as the sharp coiling in his stomach felt like it was about to snap, she stopped. Pulled away, and he nearly whimpered at the loss.

"Saeran?" 

"Yes?" His voice was breathy, but it was there. She climbed back onto the bed, laying beside him. He dropped his weight off his elbows and turned to face her, laying one hand on her face. 

"Do you want to stop?" he asked. He hoped not. He felt too big for his skin, like if he didn't find a way to release the pressure he'd burst. 

"No," she said. "I wanted to check if you were okay with going further."

The words swam in his mind for a minute before he grasped her meaning. "Oh," he said. "I...I'd like that, I think." He couldn't tell if he was blushing or not; his skin was already so warm. 

She smiled. "I'd like that too." She turned her face to kiss his palm. "Do you still want me to...take over?" 

He nodded after a moment. "I think so. I...I don't know how..."

"Shh." She leaned in, kissing his forehead. "I know. It's fine." 

Gentle hands on his shoulders rolled him onto his back, and she laid curled beside him for a moment, hands traveling gentle paths across his chest and stomach, lines of gentle fire on his skin. Then she slid off the bed, struggling with her dress for a moment before it fell away. 

He'd seen her get dressed before. The sight of her in her underwear was nice, but nothing new. But she removed her underwear, and suddenly the demarcation of fabric and flesh was gone, and Saeran felt warmth building in his stomach again. He slid out of his own underwear as she turned around. 

"Should I..." He gestured at his shirt.

"Only if you want to." 

He thought about it, and realized the thought of being fully nude seemed intimidating. Which seemed stupid, given the circumstances, but when he explained his line of thinking she shook her head. 

"It's not stupid," she said firmly. "I'll put on a shirt, if you want."

"You don't have to," he said. "It's...it's just me that's uncomfortable." 

She slid back onto the bed, leaning over to kiss him. Her hand wrapped around him again, moving slowly, and he sighed against her mouth. He felt her body moving, her weight settle over him, and his eyes flew open. 

His head swam and his nerves screamed, this was bad bad bad, bad things were happening, pain and light and oh god his head - 

He tapped, very quickly, on her thigh, and she climbed off of the bed immediately. He'd had these attacks before, and they'd found that the best thing was to give him space, let him know he wasn't trapped. 

"Saeran?" she asked carefully, quietly.

"I'm here." His eyes were shut tight and his voice was choked, but he was there and whole. Just terrified, in defiance of any actual presence of danger. 

"I moved off of the bed to give you space," she said, in that same calm voice, "but I'm right here next to it. I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay." She wasn't leaving him. She wasn't upset. He repeated those things like a mantra, burning them into his mind.

He breathed low and deep, reaching out to touch the bedspread, the table, the headboard. His clock on the nightstand. The lamp. The wall. All things that were unique to this place, that had been utterly absent from that one. Reminding himself where he was. Where he wasn't. 

After a moment, the panic subsided, and he sat there with his face in his hands. He heard his name, softly. "I'm okay." 

"Can I sit next to you?"

"Yeah." 

The mattress dipped with her weight and he leaned against her. 

"I'm so sorry, Saeran." Her voice was thick with regret and what sounded like the start of tears. "I moved too fast."

"I told you to," he protested. "I said I'd stop you if I wasn't okay and I did." 

"I should have checked anyway." She wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry." 

"I...it's okay," he said, correcting himself mid-sentence. The idea that other people could be at fault for things was something he was working on. He didn't always remember, but he tried to. 

They sat there for a long moment, together in the dark with no sound but the two of them breathing. She was still in just her bra and he was still in just a shirt, and it was just absurd enough to make him giggle, albeit weakly. 

"How are you?" she asked, rubbing his back in small circles. 

"Still a little upset," he admitted. "I ruined it."

"Nothing is ruined," she said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

"I didn't...I couldn't even...you probably don't want to - "

"Saeran." She cut him off quietly. "We can only know our own thoughts."

His shoulders slumped. "Right."

"In that same vein, I can only know what you're thinking if you're comfortable telling me," she said. "If you're not okay, we can go watch a movie in the living room. I like doing that with you, too." 

"I...want you to..." He stopped, frustrated at his own lack of eloquence. "I want you to enjoy it too," he finally said, quietly, and felt her smile against the top of his head. 

"I enjoyed what we did," she assured him. "And if you want to go on, I'm okay with that. But only if it's what you want, and not what you think _I_ want." 

He paused for a moment, examining the feeling in his mind, turning it over and over and making sure he got every angle of it. It was a new skill for him, and he took the extra time to make sure of what he found before he answered her. 

"I want to," he said. "I mean, I want to, but I also want _you_ to want to - it's confusing."

She laughed a little. "It is. If it helps, I do want to. Just not at your expense." 

"I'm okay," he said. 

"Me too," she replied, and drew his face to hers. 

It was like starting over from the beginning, but he was more sure now, of what he wanted and what he liked. He liked when she dropped her head down to kiss his neck, and liked the way he sighed when he did it to her. He wanted to make her do that again, and feel the way she shivered when he slid his hands across her skin. 

He liked that she still stopped and checked on him. She was still keeping him safe. 

After a while, she eased herself back onto the pillows, pulling him with her. Gently, she arranged their legs so that hers were on either side of him, and when he leaned down to kiss her again their bodies brushed together and made him shiver hard against her. 

"Is this still okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," he sighed, contentedly. 

"Do you still want to...?"

"...yeah." 

She reached between them, wrapping her hand around him gently, and lifting her hips up to meet his. She guided him to her entrance, and he pressed slowly inside, eyes drifting shut at the wet heat that surrounded him. 

"Okay?" Her voice sounded very far away.

"I'm okay." He opened his eyes, looking down at her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, smiling a little. "Very." A moment's pause, then: "I love you." 

He leaned down and kissed her, whispered against her lips. "I love you, too." 

She worked her hips against his, making him shudder hard against her, and eventually he found the rhythm himself and thrust into her in long, slow strokes. Heat, all around him, and everywhere their skin touched, and a flame stoked low in his belly every time she dropped her head back and bit her lip, or moved her hips up to meet his. 

"Okay?" she asked, and her voice was high and breathy.

"Very," he responded, and she smiled, her mouth dropping open a second later as he thrust into her again.

At one point, she told him she was going to do something, and reached her hand between their bodies. After a pause, he could feel her hand moving rapidly, and her hips canted up against his that much faster, and suddenly her tightness was that much tighter, and her free hand was clutching at his shoulder, and she gasped his name into his ear. It sent fire down his spine and directly to where they were joined, and he cried out as wave after wave of pleasure washed over him, lightning down his nerves and over his skin, leaving him shuddering above her.

When he felt like he could move, he pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed. She sat up a moment later, and he could feel her hand hovering near his shoulder. 

"Saeran?" she said quietly, almost fearfully. "Are you okay?"

"...mostly," he said. "That...that part was...familiar." She swore quietly. "No, no, it's not...it wasn't the same." He looked over his shoulder at her. "I liked it." 

She gave him a small, tired half-smile. "I'm glad. Can I touch you?"

"Okay." 

She wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder. They were both slightly sweaty, he realized, but it didn't feel gross or uncomfortable. "How do you feel?"

"I guess...I feel like I've taken a step forward?" He frowned into the dark. "I'm not _fixed_. The counselor says I may never be one hundred percent _fixed_. But I feel...better." He laid his hand on her arm. "I can do this with you. For you. That's good. That's something." 

She kissed his cheek. "There will be lots more somethings. Not just this thing. Lots of things." She giggled a little. "I'm tired." 

"Me too." He shifted uncomfortably. "I don't want to sleep like this, though." 

"Me, either." She pulled away. "You can shower first." 

"You go." He caught her hand and kissed it. "I'll be okay," he assured her, at her uncertain glance. 

"I'll leave the bathroom door open," she compromised, and he nodded. 

"I love you," she said, just as she disappeared past the door. 

"I love you, too," he called. Alone in the room, he smiled into the dark. That was a good thing, too. A big one.


End file.
